Friday, September 11, 2009

Wallowing in negativity

Wallowing in negativity
I am wallowing in negativity. I dont know what to do about it. I hate the feeling. It tastes bitter. Its like a vaccum in my body that is just absorbing endless pain. What do I do?
I could do many things. I could change my focus by asking the right questions or changing my physiology. I could try EFT. Transcendental meditation is always there. Using NLP I can detach myself out of the situtation.
But I want to choose to listen. I want to experience this pain - however painful it might be. I want to be with the feeling. I want to listen to it. Attentively. I dont want to brush it away.
Becuase it comes with a message. If I dont listen to it, it will try and come back - in another form. It will speak out even louder. Or manifest itself from a voice to something physical. I dont want to dissolve it. Becuase I created it. It is my own creation - and I take full responsiblity for it.
I am just going to let it trickle in - and do whatever it wants to. It might be acid that will rust my parts within. Who knows? It could be the scapel that carves my within into beautiful murals and incarnate carvings. It could be a garden spade digging deeper - so that I may hold more joy when it comes.
I listen to the message. It calms down. There is a sense of resignation. A strange tiredness climbs up. The 'efficient' mind in me is pacing up and down calling this a sheer waste of time and energy. It perhaps is. But what is time really? This negativity takes me into the timeless, just as its partner, pleasure.
It goes but leaving a blemish...a scar...or maybe a beauty spot. It doesnt make me ugly - it only makes me more real. It doesnt create something new - it merely uncovers it.
I wish I could cry it out...but it refuses to leave...it wants to stay...maybe thats love...
It plans to be my guest for a while. We will let it be. We will let it stay. It isnt 'bad' - only another feeling. Its a part of being me - of being human.
I would love to interrogate...to interview...to discover why she is here...
But I think I will just let her be...she needs some rest...
Hush...my thoughts....let her sleep ... let her rest...let her just be...

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