Am I depressed?

A tough question I ask myself....my immediate reaction is No! I am not!

For starters let me make a distinction between being depressed and what I call experiencing depression....

If I am depressed, then this depression becomes a part of my identity... I'd rather choose the option to call myself as 'experiencing depression' ... That makes it more temporary...that gives me a degree of freedom to be only experiencing it as something passing and not as something that has become a part of me...

There is a taboo to being depressed - atleast clinically so...its a happy world and we are all supposed to smile all the way...that often doesnt happen, and sometimes life can get really stark. Whether it is you brooding over the meaninglessness of creating temporary meaning in your life, or entirely for no reason feeling the blues....happens to us all....

I am going to make a large claim now - I believe each one of us experiences depression (and by that I mean the dark degree that affects the way we feel) at some point of time or the other...

I mean c'mon, you've been sent to the world without any clue...you live life with constructed wants or in an endless discovery of happiness... knowing that all is tranisent - think about these things for a bit and you're bound to feel depressed!

One of the things I guess people do when they experience such dark feelings is that they stop feeling altogether...and becuase you dont feel enough, you dont feel happy or sad enough - that keeps you in a 'zone of safety'...a glamourous name for this is the middle path. Depending on whether you have conciously choosen this or not, this is either an escape or a coping mechanisim - a very valid one at that

Do not assume for one bit that I am attempting to glorify depression - all I am trying to do is to observe the phenomenon that we call depression - this devil that we all fear and yet confront knowingly or unknowingly

I do know of a number of people around me, who 'experience the blues' more often than not...who live life so fully that the stoic tragedies of life are bound to percolate deep into their souls... and for them it is that I am concerned....

Because out there is a fairly functional world - a world that keeps moving without regard to how you feel or where your world is....at face of it that might be a great escape...but I am not sure if escaping depression is the right way out of it....

I think for me it is the confrontation of something deeper....for all this while I have assumed all that I know to be temporary...to be transient...and it is this search of meaning at times that leaves me feeling lost.... too complicated some would say...

At other times there is no reason really....

But now I would not call myself depressed... yes I am experiencing what are some of the symptoms associated with being depressed but hey, I am aware of it as well....While I am not resisting it or fighting it, I belive that experiencing it fully will let a natural equilibrium follow....

Well thats a pretty self indulgent post...but in the end thats what being depressed is about...its about when I start to think only of myself and treat the rest of the world as unreal...or as 'not me'...and i transact with it very transactionally...

So when I do this blog post, I feel good - I feel great that there is someone out here who shares my pain...who is also a little lost...who is also a little bit of a seeker...and that I am not alone...its often that one small comment on the blog that can make all the difference

Depression is like water thats stagnant in a pond...stinking...with mosquitoes and maybe even frozen....life on the other hand is like a river... it flows... it goes on with the new replacing the old...

It is in fully embracing this flow that life is about...sometimes meaning lies just beyond the constructs of our mind...just beyond the meaning of meaning...so  beautiful to admire my intellectual cave....so difficult to light that match and create light for real.....

It's the gravity, stupid!

Gravity is a force that we have all learnt to live with, in the real world. You know that if you fling something in the air, it will come down....

Gravity also works in our personal and spiritual context - the default for your unless you apply a force to the contrary, is to go down.... 

So very soon I start feeling bored, lost or sad....its the gravity that pulls me to my default state...each and every time....

Being spritually aware in such times is like having storeys to a building - you can shield against gravity when you are at your home on the nth floor (you dont hit the ground ground but just the floor of your floor)

But still gravity exists....what it means for us is that whatever we do to get to a feel good etc. will be temporary, till it is internalized....and even after being internalized, there will still remain a force acting on taking things to status quo - to boredom, to unhappiness, to restlessness....

Its that gravity that i am trying to fight - at times I forget that such a force will always exist. I just sit wondering why I am feeling low again...or why is it down again after being so high just a little while ago.....

Its the gravity, stupid!

Measures against this gravity mean taking your daily dose of positivity (maybe from some self help tape or some Aastha pravachan). It means doing your daily chores like meditation - those will keep you more intact than not...any slip in this and there is gravity, waiting out there to take over, to swallow you and drive you straight back to the lows...

Next time you feel low without a reason, remind yourself...its the gravity, stupid!

On self obsessions and happiness

This one's to you Anuj Gosalia

For writing to me out of nowhere - thanking me for my blog posts... It has inspired me...inspired me enough to start blogging again....

I realise that time and again my attention deviates to myself - I become too self centered and warped... unhappy not knowing the real cause of my state...

And then suddenly out of nowhere is a blip - something that shakes me out of my self absorbed-ness.....something that suddenly takes attention elsewhere...from moving in the void of my state to something beyond...

Your mail did that to me, Anuj. It made me happy. And thats what I was trying to be for so long...for so long I was trying to get myself to do something that makes me happy...

And yet I forgot what I knew and was so time tested - that happiness does NOT come from within....it comes from the response of within to the without...and the origin of happiness often comes from knowing that you're not alone...there are other living creatures out there - some of whom respond to you...

It felt like knowing that I was alive...I was someone...and I mattered....just that one small email from you Anuj...it was really powerful

That also makes me feel that a lot of what I do must also be very powerful for others - the way I respond to situations, the comments that I make at people and all of that....

How many more souls can I rescue from their self absorbed-ness....that much more net happiness I can create and pass around...for all to cherish...for all to enjoy

One last time, Thank you Anuj